On a Personal Note

I have had a tough time trying to communicate how I have been feeling about this move. The truth is that I go through ups and downs. I know a lot of this has to do with cultural differences and not knowing the German language. It makes me feel very vulnerable.

To be perfectly honest, I have no desire to learn German. Spanish and Mandarin I understand, those are useful. But, according to Wikianswers, only about 100 million speak German. And approx. 1 billion speak English. When we move back in early July, whom am I going to speak German with? And how much can I really learn in 9 months?

But then situations happen that require at least a basic knowledge of the language. When I went to go get Nathan from the airport, something happened with the trains, they stopped coming for almost an hour (very un-German, y'know?), people were upset, all announcements and information were in German and I began to panic. I had no idea what was going on and what to do. Do I try to catch another train? Wait it out? In retrospect, it's absurd, not even a big deal, but in the moment I was absolutely panicked.

So, know what I will be working on this year? Not mastering German, but learning to relax. To chill. Not panicking, staying calm, cool and collected. Realizing, I am NOT in control and being content with that. With my personality, this will certainly be a challenge.

One of the ladies I met here whose husband is also working/studying abroad, sent me this "open letter" she wrote. It truly sums up how I feel. This is by Charlene Lam:

be kind to yourself
change is stressful. moving is stressful. moving to a new country is even more stressful.

it’s ok and it will get better

you may find yourself trembling before a meat counter,
stammering over the five words of German you know.
you may find yourself wondering, who are you here, anyway?
besides your spouse’s trailing appendage
are you a manager if there’s no one to manage? a teacher if you’re not teaching?

you may find yourself reduced to tears over everyday things like laundry and grocery shopping
your husband may come home to a rant about dairy products:
why are there so many kinds of yogurt, where’s the non-fat milk, what the hell is quark,
and why does it take forever to find the cottage cheese?

your friends at home may not understand your angst
they may point out how lucky you are to be in a foreign country
and you may agree that you are lucky,
but that doesn’t change the fact
that you can’t figure out how to get your laundry to dry.
and this is your life, not an extended vacation

you may find yourself waiting 20 minutes in line at the post office,
only to be humiliated by a grumpy old man
who insists neither he nor anyone at that branch speaks any English.
Lick your wounds, turn it unto a funny story, ask someone else.
It’s Munich, not rural China;
someone, whether a worker or a fellow customer, is bound to know some English.
it’s ok and it will get better

forgive yourself your embarrassments
and celebrate your triumphs, no matter how small
I broke out in celebratory dance when I finally tracked down hangers

identify your danger behaviors
the things you do to numb yourself
mine include sleeping way too much
pissing away the day online
and never leaving the house
so I set the alarm and get dressed at a reasonable time
instead of shrinking in, I make a conscious effort to reach out
– and find it’s often rewarded three-fold
I indulge myself sometimes, staying home all day to putter around, if it makes me happy
but I also take any opportunity to go out

identify what comforts you
I find comfort in familiarity
so I set up my routines
the same breakfast of muesli, yogurt and apple sauce
the same route to the grocery store
I was pining for my old routines:
wandering into Soho to have lunch with friends, getting tapioca drinks
my friend Jordana wisely advised me
to seek out the equivalent foods and experiences
unique to Munich
that I will miss when we move on
now I look forward to telling new friends about weisswurst
people-watching in the Englischer Garten
and exploring Bavaria by train

identify an activity that gives you a sense of satisfaction or accomplishment
it’s easy to forget that you’re a smart, competent woman
when you can’t even read the cooking instructions on a box of couscous,
take a class, go to the gym, finish a book
and one day you’ll find that, hey, I understood what that person said
and hey, I can read this menu
and you’ll be thrilled
I’m just reaching that point, and now I’m moving on
to another new place, another new culture
but I’m reminding myself:
be kind to yourself
it’s ok and it will get better

Thanks Charlene. Yes, it will get better. And each day is new and full of hope.